In the beginning.....
Sometimes, it is reassuring to hear that what you are going through is ok. The last two years have been amazing in the ways that I am a much stronger, confident person. I finally can say I love who I am. They have also been challenging with a lot of pain. Growth always comes at a cost. Sometimes, the cost is very high, but necessary. Tonight I had a discussion with a good friend who knew exactly what I was going through as she has walked this road herself. She reminded me that is ok to not be ok. She is right.
Divorce is hard, even when its your choice to end the marriage. There is NO winner in divorce. You are leaving a known life to a complete of unknown of possibilities. You are also a broken person at that time. The unknown doesn't even seem possible to be good. You feel like a failure, like you are not lovable. You feel like you will be alone, and honestly, for awhile you are. People try to be there for you, but they can't. Nothing they say helps. And if one more person tells me to pray about it, I'll end up with an assault charge. You have to feel it....that is the only way. Avoiding the feeling stage avoids the relief stage.
My entire life I have ALWAYS strived to do the right thing...never tried drugs, didn't drink until I was 21, high achieving, never asked for help, and honestly until I was 37 years old, had only been with one person, I always sought approval. I thought if I did the right things, life would be good. Yeah that is a terrible line of thought. It simply leads to anger and disappointment. I spent my marriage doing the same. Always trying to make life easier for everyone else. Not only did I fail to do that, I was miserable trying. Even through my divorce, I have tried to suck up my feelings and keep everything without confrontation. Now some people got the bitter Christy version. But alot of the time, I wanted to be the bigger person. I would attempt to paint a picture that didn't show my ex hurt me. I would say we just grew apart. Now, that is true, but not all of it. Everyone doesn't have to know it all, but another good friend reminded me that is not my job to keep his name clear. That friend is right.
My friend tonight mentioned something that sparked this blog. She said you need to find people who have walked this and are where you eventually want to be. Ask them questions about how it went. Doesn't mean your walk will be the same, but will give you some comfort.
So here I am. I am going to give you what I wish I had known up to this point when you get divorced....
1. It's ok to be angry, hurt, unvalued, guarded, relieved, and I dare say happy. They are your feelings and tell anyone that says they are wrong to shut it. Those feelings can and likely will include extreme anger at God. Honestly, personally not on good terms with God. I don't need people to tell me to read my bible or pray. I don't want to hear about prayers for me. When you are going through this almost crisis of faith, those things don't comfort you. I'm not supposed to say that, but at this point I am only speaking my truths. So yes, I am pissed the hell off at God. The healing there is to be continued.
2. Your friends who have not been divorced will try so hard to help you, but they can't because they don't understand and can't understand the plethora of feelings swimming in your head. They don't understand that sometimes, you don't want to be treated as the "divorced" friend. You want to just be a friend and talk about normal stuff.
3. You are not responsible for your ex's reputation. Protecting my kids and being a good coparent doesn't mean I have to stick up for the person that drove me away, the person who promised to love me unconditionally but instead treated me like I was disposable and a failure. We are all the villain in someone's story, but you do not have to justify anything for yours.
4. It is ok to have a few messy months or years. Figure out what you are looking for, figure out how you feel and how to heal the hurt, and find yourself. For me, this process started a good two years before my divorce. I am so damn grateful for that or I wouldn't have had the strength to leave. I felt like a constant disappointment. When I would try harder, I would fail more. I grew to have very little self esteem. So when I started therapy and started with Beachbody, my transformation began. The strong badass I am now, she has been awhile in the making. Honestly, I feel like I am the strongest I have ever been. Took a bit of a hit when COVID started and fell back into my old ways of thinking. Got back to therapy and journaling. I am a work in progress and I will give myself grace in a crazy stressful time. Now, even though my work stress is at a maximum, I feel a ton of inner peace. No, I don't have everything figured out, far from it. But honestly, I am finally to the place where I only want people in my life that don't create feelings of inadequacy. I am responsible for a lot of it, but I need to surround myself with people who are not so conditional. I need to be accepted where I am and for who I am.
4. Dating sucks. I didn't even like dating when I was younger. I didn't really do much of it. If you are like me, the new advent of online dating has just made it exhausting. It's weird. There are weird ass people and you have to be so closed to be protected that its almost impossible to actually open up.
5. Choosing yourself is NOT selfish, but necessary. You are the only person's happiness you are responsible for because that is the only person you can actually make happy. Happiness comes from within.
I read this article and I have taken the parts that apply to divorce. Honestly, it describes a lot of the way I felt and how I had to choose myself. You WILL get to the place where the pain isn't daily. You WILL find happiness. You WILL have regressions. You are allowed to have those. Use them. Learn from them. And if you are feeling the below now.....know it is healthy to choose yourself.
IT’S TIME FOR ME TO CHOOSE MYSELF OVER YOUR ALMOST LOVE - herway.net
Divorce is hard, even when its your choice to end the marriage. There is NO winner in divorce. You are leaving a known life to a complete of unknown of possibilities. You are also a broken person at that time. The unknown doesn't even seem possible to be good. You feel like a failure, like you are not lovable. You feel like you will be alone, and honestly, for awhile you are. People try to be there for you, but they can't. Nothing they say helps. And if one more person tells me to pray about it, I'll end up with an assault charge. You have to feel it....that is the only way. Avoiding the feeling stage avoids the relief stage.
My entire life I have ALWAYS strived to do the right thing...never tried drugs, didn't drink until I was 21, high achieving, never asked for help, and honestly until I was 37 years old, had only been with one person, I always sought approval. I thought if I did the right things, life would be good. Yeah that is a terrible line of thought. It simply leads to anger and disappointment. I spent my marriage doing the same. Always trying to make life easier for everyone else. Not only did I fail to do that, I was miserable trying. Even through my divorce, I have tried to suck up my feelings and keep everything without confrontation. Now some people got the bitter Christy version. But alot of the time, I wanted to be the bigger person. I would attempt to paint a picture that didn't show my ex hurt me. I would say we just grew apart. Now, that is true, but not all of it. Everyone doesn't have to know it all, but another good friend reminded me that is not my job to keep his name clear. That friend is right.
My friend tonight mentioned something that sparked this blog. She said you need to find people who have walked this and are where you eventually want to be. Ask them questions about how it went. Doesn't mean your walk will be the same, but will give you some comfort.
So here I am. I am going to give you what I wish I had known up to this point when you get divorced....
1. It's ok to be angry, hurt, unvalued, guarded, relieved, and I dare say happy. They are your feelings and tell anyone that says they are wrong to shut it. Those feelings can and likely will include extreme anger at God. Honestly, personally not on good terms with God. I don't need people to tell me to read my bible or pray. I don't want to hear about prayers for me. When you are going through this almost crisis of faith, those things don't comfort you. I'm not supposed to say that, but at this point I am only speaking my truths. So yes, I am pissed the hell off at God. The healing there is to be continued.
2. Your friends who have not been divorced will try so hard to help you, but they can't because they don't understand and can't understand the plethora of feelings swimming in your head. They don't understand that sometimes, you don't want to be treated as the "divorced" friend. You want to just be a friend and talk about normal stuff.
3. You are not responsible for your ex's reputation. Protecting my kids and being a good coparent doesn't mean I have to stick up for the person that drove me away, the person who promised to love me unconditionally but instead treated me like I was disposable and a failure. We are all the villain in someone's story, but you do not have to justify anything for yours.
4. It is ok to have a few messy months or years. Figure out what you are looking for, figure out how you feel and how to heal the hurt, and find yourself. For me, this process started a good two years before my divorce. I am so damn grateful for that or I wouldn't have had the strength to leave. I felt like a constant disappointment. When I would try harder, I would fail more. I grew to have very little self esteem. So when I started therapy and started with Beachbody, my transformation began. The strong badass I am now, she has been awhile in the making. Honestly, I feel like I am the strongest I have ever been. Took a bit of a hit when COVID started and fell back into my old ways of thinking. Got back to therapy and journaling. I am a work in progress and I will give myself grace in a crazy stressful time. Now, even though my work stress is at a maximum, I feel a ton of inner peace. No, I don't have everything figured out, far from it. But honestly, I am finally to the place where I only want people in my life that don't create feelings of inadequacy. I am responsible for a lot of it, but I need to surround myself with people who are not so conditional. I need to be accepted where I am and for who I am.
4. Dating sucks. I didn't even like dating when I was younger. I didn't really do much of it. If you are like me, the new advent of online dating has just made it exhausting. It's weird. There are weird ass people and you have to be so closed to be protected that its almost impossible to actually open up.
5. Choosing yourself is NOT selfish, but necessary. You are the only person's happiness you are responsible for because that is the only person you can actually make happy. Happiness comes from within.
I read this article and I have taken the parts that apply to divorce. Honestly, it describes a lot of the way I felt and how I had to choose myself. You WILL get to the place where the pain isn't daily. You WILL find happiness. You WILL have regressions. You are allowed to have those. Use them. Learn from them. And if you are feeling the below now.....know it is healthy to choose yourself.
IT’S TIME FOR ME TO CHOOSE MYSELF OVER YOUR ALMOST LOVE - herway.net
"I’ve decided I’m done. I’ve decided I won’t be wasting any more of my time waiting for you to love me back. I’ve decided I deserve more.
I know that I deserve to be loved. I know there is someone out there for me who will give me everything I need, who will keep me in his arms always—not only when he feels like it.
Maybe it’s foolish of me, but I still believe in unconditional love, now more than ever. Now that you’ve crushed my dreams of spending my life with you, I’m even more sure I will find someone who will.
You were never clear about your intentions. You never said what you really want. Because if I knew you want this, I would never have signed it.
It’s like signing a pact with the devil—you’ll get everything you want but there is always a price. Mine was a broken heart.
I gave you the best of myself and I got nothing in return except half-filled promises and false words. In fact, the only thing I ever got from you was words, never acts.
That wasn’t enough for me. I could have spent my whole life waiting for you to do what you said you would. But, fortunately, I had the guts to cut you off and continue searching for someone who will do everything you never did.
What you could never realize is that love doesn’t come in bits. It either is or it isn’t.
You wanted to keep me somewhere in the middle. You wanted to keep me in the almost zone by every now and then giving me just enough to stay.
You gave me false hope. You could have been a man and said you don’t love me to my face.
Instead, you falsely reciprocated my feelings. You tried to fool me, but you couldn’t fake love. No one can do that. You can try, but you’ll fall apart at a certain point because you’re not happy being with someone who isn’t the right one for you.
I’ve decided I deserve so much more than you. I’ve realized I deserve the true love which you could never give me.
I’ve decided to move on even if it hurts me—and it does. I’ve decided I should take that risk because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life unhappy, thinking what would happen if I’d left.
Now, I’m turning over the next page of my life and leaving you behind. It’s time for me to write the next chapter of my life—a happier one where I finally choose myself.
I chose myself because I don’t want to settle with someone who is uncertain about me. I know what I want from love and that is not what you gave me.
I don’t want a forced kiss goodbye when I leave the house. I don’t want a text you send me just because you think you have to. This is why I chose myself this time. It’s because I want everything you almost do to be done to the fullest.
I chose myself because I’m tired of second guessing everything you do. I’m tired of thinking through your decisions to find the real motive because I know it’s not me.
I chose myself because I’m better off without that. I chose myself because I want to give myself a chance to meet someone who will do things because of me—a man who will do things (even the ones he doesn’t like) because he wants to do something for me.
I chose myself because I don’t love this version of myself while I’m with you. I don’t want to be exhausted and empty and you made me that way.
Every negative thing you say hits me right in the heart. Every word wears me down each day more and more and I don’t want to become that version of myself.
I chose myself because I need someone to lean on and that’s not you. For now, that someone is me and maybe in the future, it will be someone else.
When you push a woman like me to her limits, she will crack and you will lose her forever. You’ll probably regret it, but it’s going to be too late.
I will choose myself every time because I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice. I think I deserve to be someone’s priority as that someone is going to be mine.
I will choose myself every time because I don’t want to settle for less than I deserve. I don’t want someone who will love me almost.
I want someone who will go an extra mile for me because I will do the same for him. I want a love that will give me butterflies in my stomach. I want a man who will be the last thing I think of when I fall asleep and the first thing I remember when I wake up.
I will choose myself every time because I don’t want someone who won’t accept me for me. I want someone who will love just the way I am.
I want someone who will know all my flaws and accept them because he knows nobody is perfect and neither am I.
I’ve got a lot of love and I want to find someone who will take it and love me back just the same as I will love him. I want things to be familiar and comfortable. I want to feel safe and with you, I never felt like that.
I’m not sorry I was with you. I’m sorry that it took me a long time to realize that we shouldn’t be together. I don’t want your almost love. I don’t need it. I don’t deserve it.
I finally realized I should put myself first from now on. Because up until now, I’ve been doing the opposite and it didn’t take me anywhere except toward disappointment, sadness, and pain. I’ve been trying so hard to make you love me completely, but you were stuck at almost.
I’m sorry I didn’t give up earlier to finish this agony the both of us lived in.
I’m sorry that I wanted you to stay but you chose to push me away."
I hope this blog, as I navigate being a single mom and developing my life, can help someone else when they start this journey.
- Christy
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